Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

One of the foundations of a good marriage is having a secure bond with your partner and an abiding certainty in the marriage being a source love and support. A couple’s bond in marriage is built on trust, emotional availability and responsiveness. Some people want a spouse who is; “my home-base and a soft place to fall.” A strong marital bond builds the confidence: “I can turn to my partner for support…. so that I can go back out into the world and do all that is required of me”. Or some seek a spouse who offers their full attention at key times and extends emotional support during stressful life events.

Almost all couples experience arguing and conflict; even heated conflicts at times. Couples consider marital therapy when repeated conflicts escalate into hot arguments with tempers flaring and ending without a peaceful agreement. Couples in a negative cycle of conflict may say, “We keep having the same argument over and over and it is never really finished or resolved”. When arguing becomes escalated, often each person is talking louder and louder in an attempt to be heard. Loud repeated arguing that ends badly leaves bruises on the bonds of connection and attachment that hold a couple together. When the sense of connection is threatened by repeated and unsettled conflicts, couples can begin to feel discouragement and wonder, “will this ever get resolved?” Withdrawing and/or disconnecting may temporarily stop a fight, but the resulting distance leads to further painful emotions of resentment and despair.

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) helps couples understand how each of their underlying needs to feel close and cared for are threatened by these cycles of conflict and disconnection. EFT seeks first to give couples a better understanding about what happens when their fights become so emotionally charged. It can be a relief for partners to see how their conflict style is part of the problem and how it actually makes sense in terms of the threat to their connection.

An EFT therapist acting as part coach, part conflict manager; guides couples to learn how to stay connected; even during hot flare ups. Learning to talk about difficult subjects and feeling understood and listened to, then contributes to a stronger marital bond and a marriage that is a better and more nurturing place.