Couples Therapy
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy has been researched and empirically validated to be highly effective with couples.
EFT is being widely utilized and is helping a wide variety of couples with: Parenting concerns, Medical Illness, Cultural differences, Trauma, Anxiety and Depression, PTSD, Substance Use Disorders and Addiction, Infidelity, Emotional affairs, Infertility and Postpartum depression.
Most EFT research to date has focused on outcome and process of change studies with couples, and successful long term outcomes have resulted in EFT for couples becoming the gold standard for empirically validated intervention in the field.
We are innately coded as humans to want to feel close to and cared for by important others throughout our lives. We do better at most things, whether facing challenges, transitions or losses, when we are connected with people who matter to us.
Attachment research indicates we are stronger, more confident and more capable when we have others to effectively rely upon.
Being understood, valued and cared for by people who matter in times of distress regulates and calms our nervous system and lessens the impact of stressful events.
There are Western cultural norms about relying on others being a sign of weakness and independence being a sign of strength.
Capable people skilled at handling things on their own can find it challenging to turn to others. There is an optimal and desirable balance of both “being there for yourself” and “being able to reach out to others” that strengthens us.
Having a close and secure relationship is often most important in adulthood with one’s spouse or partner. Trust and security are built or “earned” as couples learn how to effectively rely on each other, find comfort and support at key moments.
Couples who love each other, and want to be good partners, can and do also hurt each other. If you are married or committed, you are likely to fight or argue. Fighting is distressing, but it is the repeated negative pattern of not being able to fully or effectively resolve fights that can erode the security of a relationship over time and lead to a loss of connection.
Different People React Differently
When couples experience tension, a loss of connection or perceive negative messages from each other, they often react to these stressful experiences in very different but predictable ways.
Tension and loss of connection can lead some partners to become charged up and be moved to anxiously pursue attention or connection. Asking questions and communication with emotional intensity may be desperate attempts to be heard and understood.
Relationship stress and fighting can lead a partner to experience a loss of energy and be moved away from conflict. When fighting triggers an “oh no, here we go again” reaction, sometimes getting quiet, shutting down emotions or even leaving the room are a way to find space to think things through or keep conflict from getting worse.
When conflict become encoded with personal and negative messages, partners can have an automatic “revving up inside” response and be moved to fight back. This charge of energy can lead to defensive reactions or protective responses often experienced by partners as “attacks” or hostility.
Breaking the “Fight – Flee – Freeze – Repeat” Patterns
Repeated patterns of fighting that escalate and do not end well are often followed by periods of disconnection. When couples are left alone to cope with angry and hurt feelings in isolation; negative feelings grow. Over time, these cycles lead to growing distance as couples avoid conversations that might not go well.
Altering negative patterns and having more positive and bonding communication is something couples can learn.
EFT couples therapy helps couples break their old ineffective communication patterns and establish new ones that build relationship security and strengthen their love.
Couples Counseling, for Any Couple
Janet Voss specializes in working with couples who are Committed, Engaged, Newly (or no longer) Married, who care about each other and who are experiencing a loss of intimacy or closeness, more intense or more frequent conflict; or who are recovering from betrayal trauma or loss of trust.
Communication that repeatedly breaks down and is not fully repaired is often what brings couples to seek help. When conversations about important (or insignificant) issues quickly escalate and become heated, and a pattern of “fighting” or arguing starts to replace the reassuring conversations of earlier days, couples experience tension and distress.
When efforts to communicate lead to arguments that end without repairing or resolving, negative emotions intensify. As these negative patterns are repeated over time, and attempts to repair continue to fail, couples notice a growing distance and loss of connection.
The typical negative cycle often appears as:
1) Conversations start and become Conflictual…
2) Conflicts Escalate with Intense Emotions…
3) Triggers Fighting, Fleeing or Freezing Responses.
Being stuck in a negative pattern often involves one or both partners becoming escalated and does not end well. When a conflict abruptly ends or is stopped without resolving, partners may disconnect or ignore each other for a while.
Couples therapy is a good next step for couples experiencing more frequent and predictable negative cycles that result in a loss of connection . EFT couples therapy is specifically designed to help couples who get stuck in negative cycles.
When the warm and reassuring conversations of earlier days are less frequent and less predictable, intimacy and closeness are eroded. Janet works with couples to overcome these patterns, restructure new conversations to rebuild trust and safety, rekindle loving connections and/or strengthen their bond.
Couples Counseling
When couples begin to experience their relationship as a source of comfort and reassurance more often than a source of distress, it is a big relief and rekindles hope for the “new and better” in the future. Building a closer and more nurturing relationship is a curative experience for couples.
Couples who are committed or pre-engaged or seeking pre-marital therapy may want to address issues or communication concerns before moving towards greater commitment. Couples who are more unified, more able to have connecting conversations and resolve differences start out their future life together with greater security.
Couples who love each other, are in the first few years of marriage and are experiencing, communication difficulties or experiencing life stressors. Increased unresolved conflict and distress can result from medical illness, job changes or losses, extended family pressures, or increasing responsibilities. Research shows how even positive and welcomed events like having a baby and job promotions can leads to increased pressures, responsibilities and stress and erode the sense of connection and partnership.
Couples in other life stages; having adolescents, or launching young adults can experience greater tension and struggle to be on the same page about parenting approaches under pressure driven and urgent situations. Having a second marriage or blending a family involves more complicated decision making and requires unified approaches.
Couples who are experiencing the lingering impact of past trauma. Adverse childhood experiences related to mistreatment, abuse or neglect often have lingering impact; even when a person has worked hard in individual therapy to heal. Emotionally Focused Trauma therapy provides couples a way to work together to create a safer and more secure relationship and be able to hold on to each other, and restore connection in tense moments. Individual therapy, (even good therapy) alone is often not enough to bring healing to the couple relationship, when past trauma is infused in their communication and continues to disrupt closeness.
Couples who are recovering from an affair or emotional affair. When trust is damaged or broken, it can be overwhelming to see how much distance is created. When an attachment to another person, or work or an activity threatens the exclusivity and security in the relationship, partners can feel a sense of betrayal and loss of security.
Couples where substance use or misuse is a concern for one or both partners, or when one or both are in recovery from alcohol or drug addiction. Substance use disorders and addiction result in a loss of connection and trust. The loss of connection and trust often lingers after a problem has been addressed. Even when a person has good recovery, the negative patterns of couple conflict can continue, which is confusing and frustrating for couples.
“I thought we would be closer, and I would feel like more of a priority after the drinking stopped”.
Emotionally focused couples therapy provides couples a way to integrate EFT and “recovery” to repair the loss of trust and safety, and strengthen the relationship.
Couples with a shared Faith that is a foundation in their relationship, find spiritual values and practices and a world view that strengthens their bond. Working together to overcome forces that would divide them or pull them apart, can be a unifying and uniquely healing. Couples build spiritual closeness when they pull together around their shared values and spiritual practices, and connect with a faith community.
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Contact Janet Voss’ offices to schedule an appointment or free 15 minute consultation today.